Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠

I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.

Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?

Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.

Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle

Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”

bro: she stressing u out g??

me:

I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”

FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.

April 1st is the class clown of days.

3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?

The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.

[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up

boss: hey we’re in a meeting

me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.

[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger

*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*

GUY: HA! You flinched

ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-

GUY: *actually punches me*

The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.

Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.