Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

Yes, this is exactly right

People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time

School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?

A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.

Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.

*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*

Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.

me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?

drug dealer: what?

Happy Star Trick Day.

May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.

How many tricks you get today anyway?

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?

I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

People: we are overfishing the sea

McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller

People: nonononono

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy

ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla

Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use

I can’t blame you for laughing when I fell off the ladder into the pachysandra. I’d laugh too, but see there’s this ladder on top of me.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.

#WorldWaterDay

i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

“Theirye’re” problem solved