@ObscureGent

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

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@HeyZeus666

Answer : Mrs.Claus

Question : Who was the only person in history that was unhappy when Santa came early?

@envydatropic

You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside

@RunwayDan

I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.

@clichedout

her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time

@MattTheBrand

[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.

@SnarkyMommy78

4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one

4: NOOOO TWOOOO

Me: just one

4: TWOOOO

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*

@iamspacegirl

You better watch out, you better not cry
You better not pout, I’m telling you why
Emotion signals weakness to your enemy
Be vigilant, my son

@SaraMansford

Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.

@notsoevilrick

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

@WetzelGeek

I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.