Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
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LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.
Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
God: you’re very small.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
Ant: can I lift a car?
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn’t have said or done over the past 5 days.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Were there this many idiots before the Internet?