If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
*eating freshly baked cookies*
4: I want lots more!
Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache
4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
yeet
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.