@ObscureGent

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

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@Adam_Kingsnorth

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

@eff_yeah_steph

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re very small.

Ant: ok.

God: but really strong.

Ant: how strong?

God: you can-

Ant: can I lift a piano?

God: well-no.

Ant: can I lift a car?

God: no.

Ant: can I lift a-

God: you can lift a leaf.

Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.

@flashember

[trying to eat a pretzel]

the knot wizard hath defeated me again

@daemonic3

[taking a hearing test]

DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard

ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work

DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones

@EtobicokeErnie

I meet with my HR manager every Friday afternoon to recap what I shouldn’t have said or done over the past 5 days.

@Kyle1092

Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006

@Peauxtassium

Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.