@ObscureGent

If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

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@writerPT

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

@AimeeHelene1

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

@yoyoha

ariana grande looks like she was designed in a lab by japanese perverts

@DomesticGoddss

Mom Math:

If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?

@better_off_dad

‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’

~The monster under my bed

@BadaBinge

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

@rodney_at_large

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

@WendyLiebman

For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.