If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.

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Answer : Mrs.Claus

Question : Who was the only person in history that was unhappy when Santa came early?


You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside


I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.


her: wanna come over

me: can’t I’m at an office party

her: ur self-employed

me: and having a great time


[family dinner]

my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren

me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.


4: can I have two little muffins?

Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one

4: no I want two NOWWWW

Me: let’s start with one


Me: just one






Me: FINE *gives her two*

4: *eats only one*


You better watch out, you better not cry
You better not pout, I’m telling you why
Emotion signals weakness to your enemy
Be vigilant, my son


Screw you, Burger King, if you really wanted me to have it “MY way” you’d have added alcohol to your menu.


My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.


I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.