If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
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*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
You think you’re having a bad day? My daughter learned that the average woman spends 10 years on her period and believed it to mean all at once.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
My son asked my wife why I make noises every time I stand up.
She told him it’s because I’m a groan man.
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Crazy to think during a small window of time that Shaq was 5’2”
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’