If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
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My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
I have eaten the
11 bags
of 5 organic
gummy bears
and blamed the child I was babysittingforgive me
they were so smol
and so mush
and I couldn’t stop
and now the internet
knows all
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
