My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he’s my new accountant
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
You Might Also Like
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?
“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*shoots friend next to him*
I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND’S FUNERAL
4. Dancing in public
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
7: can I have a pop tart?
Me: we’re going to eat dinner soon
7: this will be my dinner
Me: fine but at least have a strawberry one
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.