If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.


My husband told me to hurry up so naturally I took an extra 30 minutes to get ready.


I’d like to go into the witness protection program, only like, without the whole “my life being in danger” thing.


my kid is so determined to win an argument with siri, yesterday she said “night night daddy, tell siri she’s stupid and i’ll throw her in the bin tomorrow”


PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?


PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-

RAGE: [from the back] I’M AGAINST THIS


*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?


pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes


guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that