@BadMikeyBad

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

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@Scdavis24

Apparently it was a bad idea to ask Siri “What do women want?”

She’s been talking nonstop for the last two days now.

@Storminika

You ever lied so much on a resume, you’re actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?

@Pat_Bren

“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf

@MasterOfMoppets

These coffee flavored rice cakes are delicious, but chewy.

[eats another coaster]

@Michael1979

WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record

@junejuly12

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

@OtherDanOBrien

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

@aidanjsears

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

@SketchesbyBoze

telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”

saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes