@BadMikeyBad

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

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@krissywillbretz

Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.

@_salt_n_lime

My husband told me to hurry up so naturally I took an extra 30 minutes to get ready.

@hunbothered

I’d like to go into the witness protection program, only like, without the whole “my life being in danger” thing.

@HereComesCunty

my kid is so determined to win an argument with siri, yesterday she said “night night daddy, tell siri she’s stupid and i’ll throw her in the bin tomorrow”

@daemonic3

PRIEST: Do you take Florence to be your wife?

THE MACHINE: I do

PRIEST: Does anyone have anything-

RAGE: [from the back] I’M AGAINST THIS

@AmishPornStar1

*me, flirting*

Me: Hello.

Her: Nice to meet you.

Me: You don’t even really know that.

Her: It’s an expression.

Me: It’s rather presumptuous.

Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.

Me: See what I mean?

@brotherslop

pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes

@turtlekiosk

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that