@BadMikeyBad

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

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@FatherWithTwins

My 3yo just corrected my math. When he gets out of timeout, he’s my new accountant

@ADHDeanASL

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

@SarcasticSadOne

Me (drunk): I was over served tonight

Friend: aren’t you home alone?

Me: OVER SERVED!

@lisawhiteWHAT

My friend is showing me her new vegan handbag. I know vegans can be annoying, but should we really be making accessories out of them?

@Epygma

“Do you want to go out on a date?”
*sweats nervously*
I C-CAN’T
“Why?”
*shoots friend next to him*
I HAVE TO GO TO A FRIEND’S FUNERAL

@RyDoon

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

@DaddyJew

7: can I have a pop tart?

Me: we’re going to eat dinner soon

7: this will be my dinner

Me: fine but at least have a strawberry one