If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
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Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.