“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
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First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
Skills
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.