If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
I don’t know what to do
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake