If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
You know that one cow in the field that’s like 200 yards away from all his cow friends just doing his own thing? That’s me. I am that cow.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
You deplete me
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
No one shoots at your feet and tells you to dance anymore
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*