If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
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Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
this is what they would have looked like, though
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad