if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
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Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Those are NOT normal gifts
-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
“I’ll never forget you Jack”
“Can I float on that wood too, Rose?”
“I’ll always remember you”
“Seems like there’s room for–”
“Goodbye Jack”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder