I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
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Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.