if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
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Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
every. time.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Microsoft word: “I’ll do anything to enhance your writing and editing experience, just ask”
Me: “I’d like to add comments to footnotes”
Microsoft word: “eat shit!”
I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
please be safe all; there’s a guy on here telling girls he has a hot tub but it’s just a normal bathtub filled with hot water
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Don’t settle for someone who only microwaves leftover pizza. Find that special someone who puts it in the oven, forgets about it, sets off the fire alarm, and then blames the dog.
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.