Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards

Wife:

Me: *crying* I get it now, babe

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.

Saw online –

8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?

me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike

Who called it life jacket not aquaguard

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.

Push and Pull.

I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.

Waffles are just pancakes with abs.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed

Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.

WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD

British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭

Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”

Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”

Next time I feel incompetent at my job, I hope I remember that someone once pushed a live software update that crashed half the planet.

So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….