Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

wife: what’s bothering you, hun?

attila: the romans

white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

[Wedding day]

Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?

Me: Well THIS is awkward

Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

gave a tox lecture and i made a funny joke and one of students says “haha my friend told me about this joke when you made it for his class last year”

omg my worst nightmare the students are finding out i reuse my jokes noooooo

It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”

[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]

me: hey weren’t there five of you

them: (in agreement) no

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.

The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!

Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!

ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.

Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.

His name was Frank

I hate when that happens.

My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.