If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
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My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.