If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
You Might Also Like
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
“Miss me yet?” – 2019
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.