If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
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My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently it wasn’t set high enough.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?
ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch
8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!