If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
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Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
If you get injured playing peekaboo, you end up in the ICU.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.