Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

(Vegan zombie)

“Mmmm ….. grains”

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow

My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?

Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:

“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The glory of fall.

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

If you steal my identity you better believe that it comes with 4 kids.

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief

I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited