If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
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911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
People ask “how did the Victorians come up with crazy stories like Dracula and Dorian Gray” and then you realize literally everything was poison. The wallpaper was coated in arsenic, babies were given opium for teething problems, you could die from wearing a hat
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.