If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
It’s crazy people waste their time with hobbies and family when there are strangers on the internet who need to be argued with
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
This rocks
