If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”
Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Me: do you think I’ll get my harmonica back after the trial?
My Lawyer: I told you ten times not to bring it.
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.