If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Not😆🤣
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.