If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
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“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
I didn’t mean to gain weight
It happened by snaccident
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
ME: and the hell, is it fresh?
2025: oh yes, the freshest
ME: wonderful, and is that my…
2025: your handbasket, yes
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.