if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
You Might Also Like
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
where’s Godzilla when we need him
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.