if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
There should be a day between Sunday and Monday called Hang on a Second.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Was dancing with a lad last night, and his mates dragged him away for the last train home… he said “my names Maff I’m from Kettering, find me”… imagine if life were that easy 😅
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
