Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue

bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

[dark alley]

ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice

SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese

i don’t get it when people say they are only a “little” angry, i am either not mad or will murder you

There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.

Dis earing letters?

There’s an ‘app’ for that.

[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”

AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.

I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now