If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
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This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Me: I’ve been having a lot of stomach pain.
Doc: You’re allergic to tomatoes.
Me: Oh wow so it’s a mystery then huh.
Doc: Stop eating pizza.
Me: I guess science just doesn’t have all the answers. It’s in god’s hands.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
Petition to rename deer to good will so deer hunters have to say they’re good will hunting. HOW DO YOU LIKE DEM APPLES
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.