if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
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You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.