if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
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You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
😭😭😭
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Spotted in New Orleans.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies you’d almost think it was built on thousands of ancient Indian burial grounds.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon