if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
You Might Also Like
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
Strange
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]