Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.

After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.

If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think

When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence

My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.

if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??

80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.

“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….

Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.

I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.

some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me

[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want to

guy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.

On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks

Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”

The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

Siri, fight Alexa.

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food