Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.

[at pet store]

Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.

Strudel me like one of your toaster girls

I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

[1st day as a dr]

macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band

nurse: ahh we dont have those

macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery

nurse: umm how about a scalpel?

macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work

me, a police sketch artist: is this him?

witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?

Mirror, mirror on the wall like, wtf is your problem? Why do you keep staring at me?

Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]

inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many

Love this one 😂🧟

Always answer the door wearing a coat.
If you’re pleased to see them, tell them you’ve just got home.
If you don’t want them in, say you were just on your way out.
😁

Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

Me: I love eating nerds

Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)

Me: no, not that kind.

I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.

I eat them now.

If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.

Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?

Me and kiddo listening to music in car:

In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶

Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover

*20 min later at the grocery store*

Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?

Stranger:😳

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Two reasons I don’t trust people:

1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.

“Are the cops gone?”
“Yeah.”
“Thanks buddy, I owe you one.”

Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

i hope my email finds you on fire

It’s “time to change my password” at work again today. I feel like this is happening more frequently. According to my password, the last time was TuesdayMarch12