If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
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I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.
Imma just leave this here…………
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
(watching Simone Biles do 100 flips) I could do that.. for the right paycheck
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes