Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[puppy farm]

PUPPY: Crops look good this year

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.

I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son

Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity

Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets

Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” yeah because I won’t be leaving my bed

The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.

Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”

And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.

I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?

Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.

“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped

I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.

I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.

My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist

Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered

Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.

#PoetryDay

**Pixar Film Themes Guide**

Toy Story: Jealousy

WALL-E: Environmentalism

Up: Bereavement

Cars: Cars

I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.