Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

turning my gender off to conserve energy

Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.

If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.

My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…

Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost

Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.

Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking

Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

Friend: Whatcha up to?

Me: Just chewing my toenails.

Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.

Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?

I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:

Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?

15: good

Why do people say half a dozen?

Why can’t they just say Six

like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.

How do you plead?

“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”

Bribery is illeg-

“A baker’s dozen” *winks*

Case dismissed

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora

Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open

[in the park]

ME: aww look a baby

WIFE: is it on me?!

ME: um no it’s in a stroll-

WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME

Today I learned that ostriches sometimes walk around and then they forget where they are going. Today I also learned that the ostrich is my spirit animal

Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.