Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”

boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him

Therapist: Not a bad thing

Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan

Son: I’m gay, dad.

Dad: no I’m gay dad

Dad #2: no I’m gay dad

If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

[getting completely dominated in a street fight]

ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules

ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what

NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides

[on stage]

me: *takes a bow* thank you

Violinist: hey, I need that

Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?