If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
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I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Aw man, but that’s the best part
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.