If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
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Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
A bold strategy
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.