If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
there are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all and none of them work at your company
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Telling my son he can’t stay home from school for no reason even though when I was his age I’d blow dry my forehead and tell my mom I had a fever.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.