If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy