Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My silence ends today. The Toys R Us song is full of lies. “There’s a million toys at Toys R Us that I can play with.”

1. Grammar aside, that figure is wildly overestimated.
2. If you tried to play with most of them without buying them, that giraffe would hunt you for sport.

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

Long day at work, let me decompress by logging on and reading racist tweets by some guy named Wrath of Odysseus

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?

you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid

I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…

Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.

[Interview with a Vampire]

Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!

Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*

my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker

Classic case of counter terrorism

media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine

I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”

I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman

A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.

PSA:

Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.

Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them