If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
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Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house