Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*

Management discussing if there are beneficial ways to use Artificial Intelligence in the library’s operations. I suggested we try experimenting with the real stuff first.

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

I had to cancel my summer concert tour due to lack of ticket sales too so I know how Jennifer Lopez is feeling right now

Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap

Zombies never bite hipsters.

They taste fine.

We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.

Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

My wife and did it twice yesterday and we didn’t use any protection… I’m worried we might have twins.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.

She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.

#FunnyLife Insects

I’m writing a story about a guy who goes searching for parts to build a bookcase. It’s a journey of shelf discovery.

…No, YOU shut up.

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”