Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

Forever 21… pounds overweight

The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd

[First Day As A Director]

Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*

Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.

ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that

Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting

What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?

Nothing. He was STUFFED!

I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”

Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.

Me: That’s a cam-

Wife: …

Me: Yes. Yes they do.

When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.

wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?

me: ok I know this looks bad

me: it needs a belt right?

Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.

i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.

[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator

Me: No more questions your honor

Judge: The lawyers say that, not you

“old Victorian houses are charming”

I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

This isn’t going to end well for you.

– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter

A comb is the ultimate parting gift.