If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
You Might Also Like
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
You wish you had this many chins.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times