Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

Me: I have NO drafts!
Wife: *opens window*
Me: …
Wife: *opens door*
Me: …
Wife: That better?
Me: I should have married your sister.

They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.

There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”

“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”

What do we want?

“A TIME MACHINE.”

When do we want it?

The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water

Therefore the Earth is flat.

Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”

I’m going to tell people they’ve put on weight while handing them a plate of food, so I can be my mom for Halloween.

Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”

CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.

Monday: Greg

Tuesday: Ian

Wednesday: Greg

Thursday: Ian

Friday: Greg

Gregorian Calendar.

I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.

Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”

If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way

My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”

You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet

There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.

Now there is piss all over the floor.

[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.