If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
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If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.