If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
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kids play hide and seek like
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Not today, today.
Not today.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Orcas, if you’re listening, I hope you’re able to find Jeff Bezos’ $500M superyacht.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty