Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
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Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Don’t make me out nice you.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.