“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots