Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at train station]

Cashier: May I help you?

Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.

Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead

-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.

McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…

Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.

Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver

The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.

I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”

Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.

i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.

Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this

did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight