“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”
— Mark Twain
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.