“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
You Might Also Like
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.