If you breakdance you buy dance.
You Might Also Like
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.