If you breakdance you buy dance.
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At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
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Morningbreath
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“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”