If you breakdance you buy dance.
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Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
What are a comedian’s pronouns?
He/he/he
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”