Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hired a roofer…

but then he came down with the shingles

Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.

Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.

Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

[talent show audition]

Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night

Judge: whose lips are those?

I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.

I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet

You know I’m all about that bass,

‘Bout that bass…

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.

5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.

The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.