If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
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Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
hmmm
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”