Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Saturday

What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!

– a parenting memoir

I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.

I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs

In my 20s: jingle all the way

In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty

Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.

I stand incorrected.

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*

Her: I love cats

Me: [trying to impress her] me too

Her: what’s your favourite kind

Me: [panicking] uh…doja

My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me

Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!

I always believed that we all have the habit of licking knifes clean after we are done with them..

My surgeon friends disagreed.

Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?

Me: what happens to our energy after we die?

Doctor: no, not like that

Me: do crabs think fish can fly?

Doctor: not like that either

Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?

Doctor: please stop

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.

Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!