If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
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Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
When you’ve simply given up.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭