Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack

me: i have a BA in english

guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there

You are what you eat?

*eats Natalie Portman*

I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.

Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.

6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!

The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.

Her: I’m having a dry party.

Me: Sorry, I’m busy.

Her: You don’t even know when.

Me: You don’t even know me.

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..

And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.

A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.

Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.

Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

How much for the goth pool noodles?

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.

I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.

Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.

Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.

My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized

Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.

Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick

Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.

I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down