If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
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[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
the question “how is work” really pisses me off😭. work is work bro, idk what else you want me to say
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”