If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
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don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
I wanna be friends with this person
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby