If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
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Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I am travelling in the Mexican wilderness and have been accepted into a pack of pumas!
They protected me last night while I slept. Deeply honoured to say I think they are are also happy to let me have some of their breakfa
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women