Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds

Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?

There are 3 types of people:

1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people

oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”

I strut into Bass Pro Shops knowing full well I’m a Bass Amateur

SON: What’re you doing?

ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!

SON: Cool

ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!

my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

Adultry does not sound fun at all

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”

Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*

Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.

I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.

WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.

I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.

*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*

If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?

My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives