If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
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I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Captain America taught me that I just need to take performance enhancing drugs to be loved by everyone
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
me and the Superbowl rn
My dad, who was a nurse, told my mum he would absolutely not take take toddler me to the nurse’s strike picket lines and got busted when my Auntie Sue rang to tell my mum that I was on the 6 o’clock news on my dad’s shoulders, waving a little placard.
Someone asked if my niece was my sister and the look of pleasure on my 40 year old face was matched only by the look of horror on her teenage face
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.