If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
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The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
You may think a squirt of water in the face is the best way to reprimand cats but turns out it works pretty well on people too.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I think they could have phrased this better
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
If someone tells you to go fuck yourself, just get up and quietly leave the room and return in 7 minutes. They’ll always wonder….
couldn’t resist
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms