If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
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My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Really looking forward to the day my 14yo daughter starts speaking English again.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time