If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
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If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.