If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
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[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”