If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
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Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
Candles never taste the way they smell
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
i spent way too long on this
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.